|Lotion Model: 252 Bathroom Selfier: 148|
Normally I save this space for my twisted sense of humor, but I recently lost a lot of weight. 104 pounds to be exact. That's a baby horse or a Calvin Klein model. I recently lost an entire supermodel off my butt. While I'm proud enough of this accomplishment to take photos of myself in a public bathroom, it seems that everyone, everywhere, is obsessed with - but more importantly - completely disillusioned by extreme weight loss.
I am sickened by the amount of women, many of whom are in a completely healthy weight range, that spend endless hours of their day obsessing over their BMI. Pinterest is crawling with pins for murdering cellulite, extreme dieting, tips on how to never eat a bagel again, and it saddens me. These are the things I hear every day that drive me insane:
1. When I'm skinny, I'll finally be happy!
Okay so here's the deal. I lost this weight for a very specific reason. One day, I went horseback riding and the horse I mounted was visibly uncomfortable under my weight. It was heartbreaking because I love to ride, and I realized at that moment I had to change something if I wanted to continue my passion. Plain and simple. When I looked in the mirror I never saw a fat girl. I saw a cute chick with a fun haircut who could fill out a sweater. I was happy. Now that I'm thinner, I'm happy. Am I happier than I was when I ate more donuts? No. Am I healthier, absolutely, and I'm grateful for that, but if I judged my quality of life based on my pants size I feel like I would be missing out on way too much.
2. When I'm thin I can finally get a guy!
This one absolutely drives me insane. I get it, the dating game is HARD. Until recently, I was an integral part of the hellish shitshow of texts, blind dates, balancing drinking to flirt with rogue alcoholism, pretending you don't poop, leaving notes on coffee filters in new guys' kitchens, eating calamari because it makes you look classy, and hiding the fact that you own '13 Going on 30' with the bubblegum scented DVD case. I was there.
But here's a secret that no one will tell you.... DUDES WILL SLEEP WITH FAT GIRLS!!! What!!? I know, I know, I'll give you a minute to let the room stop spinning.
You okay now? Moving on..
When I walk into a social situation, I don't notice what the other girls look like. I don't see their thigh gaps or hair extensions, I don't see muffin tops or double chins. I see people. Interesting people that I want to learn about and get to know. Because I don't notice other people's outward appearance I don't really give a ton of thought to mine. I don't compare myself to other girls because it's pointless. There are going to be guys that aren't attracted to me. There are going to be guys that are luke-warm about me. But why would I waste my energy thinking about those men when I know I'm smart, witty, and can be charming when I'm not dropping crumbs into my cleavage. I expect men to be attracted to me, fat or skinny, and because I expect them to....they are.
Now believe me, I'm not completely ignorant to the fact that there are more men that would take me home now that my butt fits into one seat on public transit, but that second group of dudes completely bores me. Who wants to be around someone who wants to buy you a drink because they saw you from across the room? I want someone to buy me a drink because they overheard me doing my Donald Trump impression and is so embarrassed for me they want to help save me from further humiliation. I met my fiance at 190 pounds, I ballooned to 252 pounds, and now I am at 148. He says he can't even remember me being 252, because he never saw a fat girl, he just saw me. Also, he's really good at flattery.
3. I'll never look back at that big fat fatty I was back then, YUCK!
Believe it or not, there are things I miss about being big. The attention my chest brought me, being warm when everyone else was freezing, eating whatever I wanted, not having skin that looks like melted candle wax, and the "buffer zone" I had between me and the world. I know it may sound strange, but losing a ton of weight leaves you feeling very vulnerable and exposed. It's a life change that everyone can see, unlike a new religion or reading a self help book. Everyone is watching, waiting to see if you fail, and wanting your secrets to the wonderland of size 6 jeans. You want to know the secret of size 6 jeans? They aren't made from orgasms. The pockets aren't filled with self-esteem. Your dad isn't going to be any more proud of you for wearing them. Your luke-warm boyfriend won't propose to you in them. They're just denim sewn a little closer together. They don't change who you are. So if you are unhappy with who you are, change THAT first. If part of that means getting healthier in the mean-time, then fantastic, but for God's sake don't think weight loss is going to change your life because it won't.
Changing your life will change your life. That's all there is to it.
Have any of you had similar experiences? Comments? Think I'm completely wrong? Let me know!