Thursday, December 4, 2014

This is why you don't order your wedding dress from Ebay

My custom dress arrived from China!

It would have fit perfectly if I hadn't just had the giant hump removed from my back. Also, are there women who have 80" shoulders and 30" waists? If so, hit me up, I have the dream dress for you...

Thursday, July 31, 2014

PMS Club


The second rule of PMS club is 'Bring nachos'

The third rule of PMS club is 'Bring chocolate sauce.' 'I don't know, we'll find something to put it on.'

Okay fine the fourth rule of PMS club is 'Bring brownies or ice cream for the chocolate sauce.' 'Both. Bring both.'

The fifth rule of PMS club is 'Why is Wheel of Fortune (Couples Edition) making me cry?'

The sixth rule of PMS club is 'Hug me, but do it without touching me."

The seventh rule of PMS club is 'Has anyone seen my sweatpants?'

The eight rule of PMS club is **sobbing uncontrollably about missing sweatpants**


The tenth rule of PMS club is 'We get to joke about PMS club. You don't.'

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Truth Behind Extreme Weight Loss by The Girl Who Lost a Baby Horse Off Her Butt

       Lotion Model: 252                                Bathroom Selfier: 148 

Normally I save this space for my twisted sense of humor, but I recently lost a lot of weight. 104 pounds to be exact. That's a baby horse or a Calvin Klein model. I recently lost an entire supermodel off my butt. While I'm proud enough of this accomplishment to take photos of myself in a public bathroom, it seems that everyone, everywhere, is obsessed with - but more importantly - completely disillusioned by extreme weight loss.

I am sickened by the amount of women, many of whom are in a completely healthy weight range, that spend endless hours of their day obsessing over their BMI. Pinterest is crawling with pins for murdering cellulite, extreme dieting, tips on how to never eat a bagel again, and it saddens me. These are the things I hear every day that drive me insane:

1.  When I'm skinny, I'll finally be happy!
Okay so here's the deal. I lost this weight for a very specific reason. One day, I went horseback riding and the horse I mounted was visibly uncomfortable under my weight. It was heartbreaking because I love to ride, and I realized at that moment I had to change something if I wanted to continue my passion. Plain and simple. When I looked in the mirror I never saw a fat girl. I saw a cute chick with a fun haircut who could fill out a sweater. I was happy. Now that I'm thinner, I'm happy. Am I happier than I was when I ate more donuts? No. Am I healthier, absolutely, and I'm grateful for that, but if I judged my quality of life based on my pants size I feel like I would be missing out on way too much.

2. When I'm thin I can finally get a guy!
This one absolutely drives me insane. I get it, the dating game is HARD. Until recently, I was an integral part of the hellish shitshow of texts, blind dates, balancing drinking to flirt with rogue alcoholism, pretending you don't poop, leaving notes on coffee filters in new guys' kitchens, eating calamari because it makes you look classy, and hiding the fact that you own '13 Going on 30' with the bubblegum scented DVD case. I was there.

But here's a secret that no one will tell you.... DUDES WILL SLEEP WITH FAT GIRLS!!! What!!? I know, I know, I'll give you a minute to let the room stop spinning.

You okay now? Moving on..

When I walk into a social situation, I don't notice what the other girls look like. I don't see their thigh gaps or hair extensions, I don't see muffin tops or double chins. I see people. Interesting people that I want to learn about and get to know. Because I don't notice other people's outward appearance I don't really give a ton of thought to mine. I don't compare myself to other girls because it's pointless. There are going to be guys that aren't attracted to me. There are going to be guys that are luke-warm about me. But why would I waste my energy thinking about those men when I know I'm smart, witty, and can be charming when I'm not dropping crumbs into my cleavage. I expect men to be attracted to me, fat or skinny, and because I expect them to....they are.

Now believe me, I'm not completely ignorant to the fact that there are more men that would take me home now that my butt fits into one seat on public transit, but that second group of dudes completely bores me. Who wants to be around someone who wants to buy you a drink because they saw you from across the room? I want someone to buy me a drink because they overheard me doing my Donald Trump impression and is so embarrassed for me they want to help save me from further humiliation. I met my fiance at 190 pounds, I ballooned to 252 pounds, and now I am at 148. He says he can't even remember me being 252, because he never saw a fat girl, he just saw me. Also, he's really good at flattery.

3. I'll never look back at that big fat fatty I was back then, YUCK!
Believe it or not, there are things I miss about being big. The attention my chest brought me, being warm when everyone else was freezing, eating whatever I wanted, not having skin that looks like melted candle wax, and the "buffer zone" I had between me and the world. I know it may sound strange, but losing a ton of weight leaves you feeling very vulnerable and exposed. It's a life change that everyone can see, unlike a new religion or reading a self help book. Everyone is watching, waiting to see if you fail, and wanting your secrets to the wonderland of size 6 jeans. You want to know the secret of size 6 jeans? They aren't made from orgasms. The pockets aren't filled with self-esteem. Your dad isn't going to be any more proud of you for wearing them. Your luke-warm boyfriend won't propose to you in them. They're just denim sewn a little closer together. They don't change who you are. So if you are unhappy with who you are, change THAT first. If part of that means getting healthier in the mean-time, then fantastic, but for God's sake don't think weight loss is going to change your life because it won't.

Changing your life will change your life. That's all there is to it.

Have any of you had similar experiences? Comments? Think I'm completely wrong? Let me know!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Daily Punchline is the Beyoncé of Comedy Websites
Alright you guys, if you're anything like me, then you are ready to slap a baby if one more Buzzfeedy website pops up that answers the question "What Type of Cat Anus are You!?!" and fills your soul with "The 42 Pieces of Toast That Most Resemble Kevin Spacey".

The good news is, there's an answer to the garbage "entertainment" that's being churned out all over the web, and that's The Daily Punchline. You all remember the very funny Matthew H. Davis, who wrote the guest post Marriage Isn't for You, It's for the Lasagna....  Well he's back with a brand new website, and it's fantastic.

It's about time someone out there curated interesting, well-written, fresh comedy and condensed it into one place. Bottom line, if it's quality --whether by a big name, or a no-name-- it makes the cut. You'll have to get your cute cat videos somewhere else.

Check it out, like them on Facebook, follow them on Twitter and be able to tell you friends when this shit gets huge that you knew the website before it was cool.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Marriage Isn't for You, It's for the Lasagna and the Health Insurance

Do it for your stoner roommate
If you've been on Facebook in the last few days, you've seen this blog post that has renewed hope for all of your friends approaching thirty and in a shittyish relationship. They think they're being subtle...they'll just post this little linky on their page, and he's going to read it and realize that he shouldn't be happy, he should try and make you happy so that you can both struggle to maintain some semblance of a mediocre existence until one or both of you die. It's beautiful, really.

Today, in the same vein, I share with you a pensive reflection of one man's battle with the decision to bake a lasagna.
Written by the very funny comedian and writer, Matthew H. Davis.

Having first baked lasagna an entire year and a half ago, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that baking lasagna isn’t for me.
But hey, before you make any assumptions about my taste in cuisine, hear me out.
I first tasted lasagna when I was still in high school, and it was magical. Super cheesy. Fresh ricotta. I enjoyed lasagna for ten whole years… until, well, I decided I better learn how to make my own. Hehe. And from personal experience, if you want to take the step into baking lasagna, I think it’s imperative that you’re goddamn sure you love it. It’s truly makes all the difference. :)
Yet, falling deeply in love with the idea of baking my own lasagna – regardless of the fact that I adored it – didn’t exempt me from anxieties of baking for myself. The nearer the ingredients and I came to the actual baking, though, the more I was paralyzed with fear. What if it wasn’t cheesy enough? What if I burned the top? Was it lasagna truly right for me?
Then, one dreary, fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps many of us have these moments in our lives, when time slows down, when every other moment in your life, you realize, was just leading to this moment – and it made complete sense – that I was supposed to have this conversation.

It’s burnt in my memory like scorched lasagna in a regular ass – non-stick-free – pan.
With a knowing smile that only a father, who’s enjoyed countless lasagnas in his lifetime can have, he said, “Matt, you’re being selfish. So I’m going to make this easy for you: Baking lasagna in the oven isn’t for YOU, you dickhole. You don’t bake lasagna for your own happiness; you bake lasagna to make other people happy. You’re baking lasagna for deadbeat roommates. But not just the people that will be there to enjoy your masterfully baked lasagna, no, but for the side dishes. What would they be without the lasagna? Your lasagna? Baking the lasagna isn’t for you. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Baking lasagna is about the people you’re baking the lasagna for, Matt. And the side dishes.”
It was then, that something changed inside of me. A moment of clarity, if you will.  I knew baking lasagna was what I wanted. I realized then I wanted to make my stoner roommates smile, to make them happy for days with leftovers. I hadn’t thought about the side dishes, I wanted to be a part of something bigger, an entire dinner. And thinking about all the times I’d seen other people liking lasagna, I knew that it was time.
My father’s advice was shocking to me. It went against the grain of today’s philosophies, that if you don’t want to bake lasagna, if you don’t think that will make you happy, that you can just go out to OLIVE GARDEN and buy some of their lasagna.
I had been selfish, what about my roommates, only one of whom has a real job. What about the future side dishes.
Baking a cheesy ricotta smothered lasagna isn’t about you. It’s about the stoner roommates – their wants, their needs, their hopes, their dreams. Selfishness demands, “what’s in it for me?,” while Dr. Love asks, “What can I bake for you?”

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

6 Google Searches That Will Make You Lose Faith in Humanity

Okay. So, we all do it.

We Google, we learn, we erase our internet history.

But Google has found a way to make this daunting seven second task even easier for us by trying to predict what we want to look for based on other frequently made searches...

...based on other frequently made searches....

Which is why, looking at the screenshots below, you will lose all faith in humanity. Enjoy...or cringe...either way be aware that this is happening on the internet. Frequently.

Have you tried vinegar and baking soda? According to Pinterest, that shit gets rid of everything.

Retrace your steps. Where was the last place you saw it?

Because my raccoon girlfriend always says she is on her period or has a headache and I have a nasty rash.
"My Raccoon Girlfriend" Premieres on Fox in Fall 2013
If your dog can't teach you how to hump, you need to kill him.
According to WebMD, if you like fat people you have cancer.

You're racist because you assumed Macklemore was black.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Is He Marriage Material? A Quiz

 There are plenty of places you can find dating advice on the internet, but where else can you find a quiz to see if he is marriage material!? Probably lots of places, so here's another one. 
Also, if you're googling to figure out if he's ready to marry you then most likely: 1. He's not. 2. You'll stay with him anyway so 3. Why are you really reading this? Do not hold me accountable if the below quiz doesn't accurately project your relationships durability. I'm not Cleo for fuck's sake.

1. When you ask him if you look nice in your new dress he:
A. Lovingly embraces you and whispers into your ear that you are gorgeous.
B. Turns around and farts for 12 seconds on your hip and then mentions that he thinks that a little leaked out.
C. Places your hand gently on his hardening bulge and says "Doesn't this say it all?"

2. For your anniversary he gets you:
A.One dozen roses for every year you've been together, plus an all expense paid trip to St. Lucia.
B. 4 bottles of Smirnoff and a plane ticket for that girl you experimented with in college to fly in and visit the two of you.
C. A card from the gas station that says "I love you mom." He's misspelled your name where "mom" was written.

3. When your mother comes to visit he:
A. Makes reservations at your favorite restaurant and books you to get facials with her for some girl time.
B. Consistently comments to her on how he hopes your "jugs grow up to be like hers."
C. Gets pissed off because he has to smoke pot in the garage and can't wear his "SukaDik" T-shirt all week.

4. His "Guys' Night" consists of:
A. Taking at-risk youth teens to a baseball game with frequent, loving texts to you throughout the evening.
B. Secret fight club with the guys from work, but instead of sexily beating each other up while Brad Pitt watches, they do air karate on blow up dolls while drinking Busch light.
C. Making amateur YouTube videos with his brothers where their asses are dressed up as talking people.

5. When you ask him to do the dishes he:
A. Jumps up immediately and cleans them, drys them, puts them away, then kisses you on the forehead.
B. Declares it "No Pants Day" and refuses to get out of bed for 24 hours.
C. Hides the dirty dishes under the sink and masturbates in the bathroom to photos on the wall of your family.

If you answered mostly As:
This guy is fantastic and perfect. Either you're lying, or he's gay, or he's cheating on you. Or he's gay and cheating on you. Most likely, this guy is a figment of your imagination.

If you answered mostly Bs:
Congratulations!  This guy is giving you all the signs that he's ready to live with you forever, you go girl. I write for Cosmopolitan and get paid to dish out prepackaged girlie encouragement!

If you answered mostly Cs:
You're dating my ex-boyfriend. Please tell him I want my Oasis cd back.

Wedding Bells!